Be Forewarned, This Is a Pretty Long Read, So Only Enter if You Plan on Answering Please…?
Well then, with that cleared up… I feel as though I am losing my mind. I’ll be frank about that.
I’m a bisexual male, married to my straight (as far as I can tell) wife, and my first son was just born, 5 days ago. I’m soon to be joining the Army and am set to live a great life. All except that I feel like I’m cracking…
It started years ago as a form of self-defense, as best as I can tell. I would watch cartoons and anime and try to put myself into the character’s shoes; to be brave and cool like they were. It got to the point where I began to invent characters on my own, and live out their lives in my head. Currently, I’ve long ago lost count and somewhere between 30 to 70 of these figments reside in my head. I have entire life memories for them, can recall all of their likes, dislikes, personalities, etc. and can even see them physically, in my head.
Ironically, their presence does not seem to be my problem. I have learned to control them, mostly…
The thing is, some of them are taking over… I can feel it sometimes, when I close my eyes. Today for instance, when I woke up, I felt… female… My body looked misshapen to me. My house felt foreign, my family, like strangers. I knew who they were, but I had a nagging feeling that everything before me was a sham. I could recall memories of being dressed in beautiful gowns and dancing; things I have never done…
About a week ago, I felt like a walking god. Again, my body seemed small, and frail. My muscles were too weak, and my hair the wrong color. I would look at the sky and feel trapped, as though it were not normal for me to be confined to the earth. I could recall the wind upon my face as I would race through the clouds. Something that I know, I have never truly done.
About an hour ago, in the shower, I felt elegant and feminine one moment. I closed my eyes and felt something shift, almost like a circular lock, in my head, and then, I felt as I do now. Male, and powerful, but human.
If my problem is not evident, allow me to surmise: I feel as though I am trapped in my own body with other beings who can take over at times. Not fully take over, but enough to interfere with who I am. I need this to stop.
As for me, it seems that whenever a female is in "control", I am attracted to males; correspondingly, a male usually dictates that I be attracted to females. There are a few exceptions, but that seems to be the basic rule.
Due to this "multi-view", for lack of a better term, I also tend to see things from several perspectives at once, which is irritating and somewhat confusing. I can see any one given thing in so many ways, I’m no longer sure which one is my point of view, and which ones are not. To be metaphoric, I feel like a care with dozens of drivers who all drive differently.
I’ve been to this "breaking point" several times now, and each time, I find some way to convince myself that I’m fine. That talking to yourself is healthy for your mind, having a feminine side is great, being able to analyze things is helpful, and so on; it’s breaking too fast though now…
I can not afford a shrink until well after I’m in the military, and I highly doubt I’d be able to keep my job with them if I went to their shrinks with this anyways. I can not afford to lose that career option, so that is not an option. Hence, I turn here. I know the help here is not exactly my best choice, but it’s the only choice I have for now. (No insult to anyone on here, but I’ve been told when asking similar questions a similar outline of psychological help online…)
So here’s the questions, so sorry about the wait, that I seek an answer to:
What the hell is wrong with me?
What can I do, or to whom may I go for help?
How can I stop the view shifting?
Is there anyone here who has had a similar problem? If so, how or what did you do about it?
If (highly unlikely it would seem to me…) I am normal, how can I better control this stuff?
Is it possible to lose my mind to myself?
Please note, that I have not covered everything that goes on in my head. I could provide a list, but I highly doubt that anyone still reading at this point would care to pour over yet another wall of text. If you need any more information, I can try to provide it in the morning before I go to work, so do check back if you ask anything.
I thank you in advance to anyone who can help, and again, I apologize for the length of this "question".
First I will state that I study psychology.
You seem to have what we call a "dissociative identity disorder" which means you recall or think you have multiple identities or you are more than one person. This is also known in English terms as multiple personality disorder.
This can happen from multiple ways but you showed evidence of these memories a while back that you "forgot" about. That probably didn’t happen. Your memories may have gotten suppressed into your unconscious mind(you have NO control over it, you don’t even know what is in it!) and now it is coming out and you are confused about who you are.
I do not see you being able to stop this yourself as this can be serious. I suggest seeing a psychiatrist about this. Treatment focuses on putting all of these identities into one, which would make YOU. You would go through psychotherapy. It cannot resolve itself randomly, you must attempt to stop it otherwise it WONT stop. With therapy, most of the time it does become resolves. Medication may or may not be necessary, most likely it’ll be a therapist talking to you and healing you that way.
If you need more information, feel free to contact me. I will be very happy to assist you with what I can
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It is possible that you have multiple personalities, it is also possible that the upcoming stress of joining the Army or some other stress is causing you to create characters who are in different positions.
Either way I suggest seeing a psychiatrist.
I have 2 diagnosis’.
My first one, is that you have double personalities, or in this case, several. But it isn’t a full case, because you still know who you are, and you know what is right, and what is wrong.
My second one, is Schizophrenia. Although, you do not seem to be seeing things that are not there.
I understand that you cannot afford a shrink, but that’s the only way that you can be helped.
For schitzo, there is medication, but if you have multiple personalities, I do not think that there is a cure for you. It is quite literally all in your head. The good thing is that you are able to control it. The bad thing is that it could get worse with time, or you could go crazy because of it. Crazy because you feel as though you should be able to do all these supernatural things, and that worries me.
I really do think that you need to go see a shrink, because this could be potentially harming to you and your new family. You must think about what’s best for them, along with your career.
Best of luck!
You’re stressing about joining the military and you have Split Personality Disorder as far as I can tell. I would guess that when you get into work and calm down a bit, the stress will lessen and you’ll have less frequent shifts. If you can’t afford help, my best suggestion is to tell your wife and let her help you wait it out. When there’s less stress in your life, it’ll start to go away.
Answer mine?: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Ak7k9i9XHBabqLfwafnDgoPsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20110807212116AAnOWtp
Please see either a Registered Clinical Psychologist or Psychiatrist.
Or ordinary doctor.
Best Wishes.
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