Here's My First Horror Story, Tell Me What You Think?
After a disappointing halloween party, Jessie walks home alone in the dark with no boyfriend beside her. She walk alone along the long winding road, cold and freezing she covers herself with her black cape, putting the hood over her head, too ashmed to be seen. While walking along the long stretch of the narrow road, she thinks too herself " what if I get picked up by a dangerous stalker, or what if i get yelled at by those jerks at the party driving by, or what if get run over by a murderous madman, looking for an easy kill" These thoughs scared jessie to the point wheir she wanted to get off the open. She turn her head away from the road, only to see nothing in the dark woods. Fearing the road jessie strayed away from road that shined dimly in the moonlight, and walked toward the dark wood. Figuring if she just only went straight, she would be home. Jessie had no flashlight to gide her, just the brightness of the moon, that was slowly being eating by the shadows of the pine trees as jessie kept walking, deeper and deeper in the dark wood. With no sight to see, she bumping into the trees along her way, hearing creatures scatter and scurry amoung the dead leaves. Until something from beneth caused poor jessie the fall to the ground, She felt the pain in her leg as she dragged herself in agony through the woods. Jessie began to scream as she felt her broken leg began to stung, She then heard the growl of the dog behind her and tryed to run. As jessie began to run, she could feel the flesh of her leg being torn apart. The bone in her leg snapped, jessie fell to the ground, quickly crawling across the scattered leaves screaming for life, hoping to find that road. She finally found that road, dragging what was left of her body with her onto the open pavement, Exhausted she turned around laying on her back, to see horror, a giant wolf coming toward her its snarling teeth covered in blood. Slowly walking toward jessie, unable to scream jessie stood their shaking, watching the wolf walk onto the pavement. The wolf opened its teeth about to bite, jessie closed her eyes in tears. She heard a the wolf yell and a car stop to a screeching holt. Jessie opened her eyes to see the car on road and the wolf laying on it side, motionless as two people came out of their car to see what they ran over. A bunch of other cars stopped behind them, every body got out of their vehicles to see what was going on and a few people came toward jessie. She passed out, and found her self in a hospital bed.
Well you have some good action here, so it’s not a bad start. You really do need to work on your spelling and punctuation though. Aside from that, you’re also telling instead of showing. What you need to do is create a vision in the reader’s head and that will bring the story to life.
For instance, what made the Halloween party disappointing? Why is she ashamed to be seen? There are little nooks and crannies that will make a story more interesting and that will help the reader relate to the main character. You also switch tense. In the beginning you say ‘walks’ which is present then you say ‘she thinks to herself,’ which is also present. But then you skip to past tense with ‘These thoughts scared.’ Scared is past tense. Everything from then on is past tense, which usually sounds better than present anyway. Keep it in the past.
When Jesse falls, you have a chance for some real tension here, but the wording makes it fall a bit flat. ‘Until something…agony through the woods.’ First of all, no need to say ‘poor Jesse.’ If it’s written well, the reader will already think that. Then it moves too fast, slow it down to build tension. For instance:
Jesse tripped over a root and a searing pain tore through her leg. She cried out, knowing it was broken. Tears streamed down her face as she clutched at the tree’s bark, pulling herself up. A low growl came from somewhere in the darkness and she gasped thinking it might be a wild dog. She limped along as best she could, but soon the beast was upon her.
Then describe what the beast looks like. I’m not sure where the car came from if they’re in the middle of the woods (or does she pull herself out onto a road).
Keep going though, the action is good – it’s just lacking suspense. Good luck!
cool but I need more elaboration. Explain the features of the wolf.