Ocd/self Esteem/gay Ugh Just Help?
I’m so confused these past 2 years. I have OCD but they are always sexual thoughts. I have poor self esteem and I don’t think a cute guy will ever like me. When I talk to guys on xbox I feel great about myself because they say I sound hot but when they want to see me Im like no but its because I don’t feel im good enough. Well anyway let me get to the point. I go through phases where I obsess about if Im a lesbian or not. I hate it I get so annoyed because that’s all i will think about through the day and I try to reassure myself im straight but i cant because im so wound up in my thoughts. I find every way to prove I am: I was a tomboy still am a bit, I play xbox, I can admit girls are attractive but I dont want to do anything sexual with them. I use to be obsessed with celebs who are female and watch all there movies because there pretty just to see there face. I would want to meet them but not in a sexual way. I dont know if I want to look like them or what Also when a girl is in distress in movies I dont get turned on but idk something about it. then i freak about that weird feeling. I watched lesbian porn and it didnt turn me on it was gross kinda but i watched straight porn and a penis turns me on. I just cant take this anymore really anytime something positive happens like vacation coming up or whatever i spaz about these lesbian thoughts like mmy mind never wants me happy. I dodnt feel like being in a relationship because I dont care atm. Im 17 i focus on school and stuff. Im so nervouse to date an have sex I dated my best friend but i dont like him like that. I cry all the time I jsut want to be happy and know its my ocd and im not gay. i remember liking boys when i was younger but the boys didnt like me back because i was not pretty and im still not. can my low self esteem be a trigger? ugh…..
Low self-esteem + OCD (Sure you’re not Bipolar?) is a nasty kind of feedback loop. Straight, Bi, Gay, Asexual, are all part of being human and most people will experience something of them as they mature and find out what they are most comfortable with assigning themselves to.
Also you’re 17 and your brain hasn’t finished its major refit for adulthood yet. Probably what you need most of all is to get shared experiences of doing interesting things with people, and making freinds without it always having to have a sexual connotation. Put sex on hold to share with someone you actually enjoy being with as a person rather than seeing it as a means to an end. It didn’t work with your best friend but that doesn’t mean it won’t work with another friend.
Perhaps seeing a counsellor might help you break the link with the low self esteem and the OCD?