Please Critique My Poem?
Cleaning Day
I presented you with my heart
Invited you to look inside
And there, bruised and bleeding
Was my much younger self
Curled up in the fetal position
Each finger trembling
A leaf in a storm
Mirrored on my face.
As I watched you watch me
I told you the one thing
That I swore I’d never tell
Every detail
In technicoloured confusion
I told you how I showered
Hoping that by some miracle
My actions would just pool on the floor
But the memory wouldn’t wash off
At my earlier request
You reached out to me
You scrunched my petals between your fingers
And blew the bits into the wind
Then you turned away
Not noticing your red stained hands
how i showered…
Thats supposed to be like trying to wash off dirt that won’t come off… Like Lady Macbeth with "Out Damn spot!"
My favorite parts of the poem:
"A leaf in a storm”
”You scrunched my petals between your fingers
And blew the bits into the wind
Then you turned away
Not noticing your red stained hands”
I don’t really understand the 3rd stanza, "I told you how I showered" do you mean literally? Also the line "My actions would just pool on the floor" what do you mean by pool on the floor?
Other than that 3rd stanza I loved it. You used really unique imagery and that’s a big plus. I took a creative writing class and unique images like that were what made really great poems. Just remember to stay away from cliches and commonly used phrases.
Oh and I also agree with the answerer above mine, another important thing I learned was that taking out uneccessary words is an easy way to add strength to your poem. For example:
"I presented you my heart"
"There bruised and bleeding"
"I watched you watch me"
"I swore I’d never tell"
"Hoping by some miracle"
"Scrunched my petals between your fingers"
"Blew the bits into the wind"
I know these seem like minor changes but trust me they will make your poem a lot better.
i loved it very good write!
You have good potential for writing prose and poetry. but you must not be afraid to go deep into your soul so that your writing will flow and not disconnect the reader from the emotional content of your poem.
Other than what i mentioned i also enjoyed your stab at making Cleaning Day exceptional. God Job Hope to see more of your poems.
My God! It’s complete. It’s grammatically correct (as much as normal humans should notice anyways.) It’s not blatant or straight forward, it has stuff that the readers actually have to think about! Yet, it’s easy to comprehend. It even has metaphors! You’ve written yourself a poem!!! I believe that you have some publishing to get to, Miss. You have written a fantastic poem deserving of audiences beyond Yahoo! Answers. All you need is to tighten up the wording, get rid of some unnecessary words, but I won’t suggest what they are, because I think that should be up to you and that you are more than capable of doing so.
Please, for the love of all that is good in the world, write more.
You are the real deal. I give you that. I think though that you could spend a little time to work on a few edges in some parts. Avoid getting too deep that it makes no sense to the reader. Ambiguity is better than being totally stumped for meaning. And this mostly goes for the second to last stanza. But what a way you tell your tale of vulnerabillity. Where do you find these metaphorical imagery? I am almost breathless…and I almost cried. What a climax.
You have perfect imagery. The words ‘divine sense of perceptibility’ comes to mind. I would spend an entire day reading works like this one. Absolutely brilliant.
Peace.
Wow. I like it. A LOT. It is a great metaphor and is excellent~!!~
Your last stanza is extremely strong. Overall, a very nice effort. Some attention to meter and perhaps some tightening of lines by deleting uneeded words would help. An example:
My heart presented, opened for you
inside, bruised, bleeding…my past
This has merit, spend some more time to make it shine. My compliments.