What Do You Think About These Poems? Suggest an Idea for a Third One ?
I was born in India i grew up in middle class family then I moved to America. this poem is based on my every day experience in India.
This is my first poem: India where I was born
The place where I came from was so poverty stricken
Walking around my block made me sicken
Some children wearing shirts and some children wearing shorts
never seeing both of them on at once
Every day I went to school it use to smell so bad
As I passed through the poverty stricken area with the ramshackle huts
The huts had no irrigation and no clean water
Just washing there clothes was a hassle
The caste system kept every in there place
Even if the poor children studied it was hard of them to get out
As they look at the circumstances of there mom and dad it made them self dough
The poverty stricken children were forced to go along
Cleaning others houses just like there mom
Now that I think about it did they really have a chance?
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This is my second poem:If I could
If I could face my problems and not run
If I could look straight at something as bright at the sun
If I could always tell the truth and never lie
If I could own up to my mistakes and not deny
If I could learn from every mistake I made
If I could always be real and never be flake
If I could be good and not even try
If I could wish it for the world and watch it apply.
If I could remember all my memories that have past
If I could remember it slowly, so it could last
If I could feel the wind caressing my face
If I could feel the ice, covering the windows with their lace
If I could run from the darkness and into the light
If I could see the colors and their might
If I could open my eyes so I can see
If I could open my wings so I can be free
First one doesn’t really flow as a poem – probably because it is about such a sad serious subject. You have used "there" a few times when you mean "their"
2nd poem is really good but needs a one line finish to end it – as it leaves everyone up in the air. perhaps something like — if only I could stop dreaming but that isn’t very good I’m sure you can think of something better along those lines