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What Do You Think? I'm Looking More for Constructive Criticism?

I KNOW THE LENGTH IS A BIT EXCESSIVE, BUT THE INPUT I’VE RECEIVED IN MY PAST ENDEAVORS HAVE TRULY HELPED IN SHAPING MY WRITING. I WONT EXPECT YOU TO READ ALL OF IT BUT CAN YOU PLEASE JUST READ THE FIRST PARAGRAPH. THIS IS JUST AN EXCERPT TO A LONGER PIECE. THANKS FOR YOUR TIME.

The double glass doors at the front of the building were the glossy tinted black that come a dime a dozen in this part of the city. They were massive, like the entrance to some early century monastery. I stood right outside them smoking my last cigarette. I crumbled the sad empty package and threw it into the garbage bin next to me. The sun was steadily going down. The wind was the quite whispers of ghosts and the growling in my stomach was a reminder that I had skipped yet another meal. I felt tired. Disconnected and out of place, like the backfire of a car two blocks away.
What was the point of all this? I wondered.
What was I doing here? when would the Nazis running this failing enterprise, known as humanity, realize that we’re so knee deep in **** that we have no choice but to kick off a few nuclear black cats and start over.
oh yes, I thought. We could sleep in caves until the break of dawn and travel the vast country side hunting for game. Six figure earning c.e.os cooperating with chauffeurs and McDonald cooks. All armed with slings and spears, united by necessity. A pure brotherhood brought upon by hunger and desperation.
I checked the time. There was nothing on my wrist but a pale discoloration. The crime scene outline of a cheap Casio wrist watch which now was owned, along with my TV and cd walkman, by Big Phil’s house of trade and pawn. “We’ll rape you and smile as we do it.”
I was smoking the butt now. I flicked it and went inside.

The inside of the building was fresh, well lit and almost inexplicably larger than the outside would lead you to believe. The place stood seemingly empty. No security guard or secretary with rainbow colored, manicured shovels for nails, just a man moping the floor. A janitor by the looks of his faded blue jumpsuit. He moved nimbly about even though he appeared to be in his mid fifties.
“Excuse me..”
He looked up. His eyes were deep set and curious.
An immediate smile flickered, brightening his face. “Yes, sir.. How may I be of assistance?”
His voice was soft and calm.
“See…” I started “I don’t have an appointment, but I wanted to know if there was a possibility that I could have a minute with the man upstairs. You know, if it’s possible. If he’s not too busy.”
“Too busy?” His laughter unlike his demeanor was deep and booming. “No, no, no, of course not. Walk this way.”
The elderly man led me upstairs into a corridor.
My stomach was still rumbling. I wanted to ask him for a cigarette but at the last second decided not to. Even if he had one he probably wouldn’t give it to me. People now and days don’t care about anyone but themselves. Every day minds are progressively being shut down and reconditioned to follow and consume. Men and women are incarcerated in their little worlds, prisoners to their lives. Our culture has raised perfect slaves. An entire race of sheep too comfortable to question, too entertained to think and too self centered to realize that ninety percent of the world is suffocating and breaking under the weight.
Finally we came to a door.
I didn’t know it then, but I was moments away from stepping into Gods office.

  1. Mercedes K
    August 8th, 2011 at 01:28 | #1

    It was better than many "excerpts" I’ve read on this site. That said, I felt as though your protagonist’s voice was a bit inconsistent. "The wind was the [quiet] whispers of ghosts" sounded out of place, too common and literary for the voice you establish as the piece progresses. There are quite a few incomplete sentences: "Disconnected and out of place, like the backfire of a car two blocks away." (Add "I was" at the beginning or link it to the previous sentence.) "Six figure earning c.e.os cooperating with chauffeurs and McDonald cooks. All armed with slings and spears, united by necessity." (This should be one sentence.) And what of saying, " I wanted to know if there was a possibility that I could have a minute with the man upstairs." And then saying, "I didn’t know it then, but I was moments away from stepping into Gods office." That seems to be a contradiction. It sounds like you wrote the latter for dramatic effect, albeit compromising the integrity of your story. Be careful not to do that. All in all, I believe you can write, you simply need to keep writing, keep polishing, keep reading, and you’re talent will grow to meet and possibly exceed literary standards.

  2. peacenlove™
    August 8th, 2011 at 01:28 | #2

    I really like it! I love the detail and the way you went about describing everything!

    I honestly have no criticism, except: There are a few spelling and grammar mistakes where small words such as "like" are missing.

    Such a great job!

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