What Do You Think Now?3rd Revision. I'm Looking More for Constructive Criticism?
I KNOW THE LENGTH IS A BIT EXCESSIVE, BUT THE INPUT I’VE RECEIVED IN MY PAST ENDEAVORS HAVE TRULY HELPED IN SHAPING MY WRITING. I WONT EXPECT YOU TO READ ALL OF IT BUT CAN YOU PLEASE JUST READ THE FIRST PARAGRAPH. THIS IS JUST A REVISED EXCERPT TO A LONGER PIECE. THANKS FOR YOUR TIME.
The double glass doors at the front of the building were tinted black. They were massive, like the entrance to some early century monastery. I was standing outside smoking my last cigarette. I crumbled the sad empty package and threw it into the garbage bin next to me. The sun was steadily going down. The wind was the quite whispers of ghosts and the growling in my stomach was a reminder that I had skipped yet another meal. I felt tired. Disconnected and out of place, like the backfire of a car two blocks away.
What was the point of all this? I wondered.
What was I doing here? when would the Nazis running this failing enterprise, known as humanity, realize that we’re so knee deep in shit that we have no choice but to kick off a few nuclear black cats and start over.
oh yes, I thought. We could sleep in caves until the break of dawn and travel the vast country side hunting for game. Naked six figure earning c.e.os cooperating with chauffeurs and McDonald cooks. All armed with slings and spears, united by necessity. A pure brotherhood brought upon by hunger and desperation.
I checked the time. There was nothing on my wrist but a pale discoloration. The crime scene outline of a cheap Casio wrist watch which now was owned, along with my TV and cd walkman, by Big Phil’s house of trade and pawn. “We’ll rape you and smile as we do it.”
I was smoking the butt now. I flicked it and went inside.
The inside of the building was fresh, well lit and almost inexplicably larger than the outside would lead you to believe. There was no security guard or secretary with rainbow colored, manicured shovels for nails. Just a man moping the floor. A janitor by the looks of his faded blue jumpsuit. He moved nimbly about even though he appeared to be in his mid fifties.
“Excuse me..”
He looked up. His eyes were deep set and curious.
“Yes, sir.. How may I be of assistance?” He asked, smiling.
His voice was soft and calm.
“See…” I started “I don’t have an appointment, but I wanted to know if there was a possibility that I could have a minute with the man upstairs. You know, if it’s possible. If he’s not too busy.”
“Too busy?” His laughter unlike his demeanor was deep and booming. “No, no, no, of course not. Walk this way.”
The elderly man led me upstairs, into a corridor.
My stomach was still rumbling. I wanted to ask him for a cigarette but at the last second decided not to. Even if he had one he probably wouldn’t give it to me. People now and days don’t care about anyone but themselves. Every day minds are progressively being shut down and reconditioned to follow and consume. Men and women are incarcerated in their little worlds, prisoners to their lives. Our culture has raised perfect slaves. An entire race of sheep too comfortable to question, too entertained to think and too self centered to realize that ninety percent of the world is suffocating and breaking under the weight.
Finally we came to a door.
I didn’t know it then, but I was moments away from stepping into Gods office.
Sounds good, but check on your spelling. Gods office should be God’s office. Uh, check your capitilization. "I crumpled the sad empty package…" should be "I crumpled the sad, empty package…", so check your punctuation, also. Other than that, good job.
-kk
I will be a little nick picky so please do not be offended by my response. I only aim in helping you out.
First, the description in the first couple of sentences are a bit bland. This is perfectly fine for a quick write but as you go over, try to make it capture the essence of what your reader wants. The first couple of lines really need that descriptive "umph" that will really latch onto your reader. Do not simple state to the reader, "The double glass doors of the building were tinted black" that is sort of boring. Use a creative sentence that oozes something that will captivate your reader which you have done a good job in stating that it looks like something out of early monastery. Run with it. Say something like, "Looking like something from a gothic style monastery, the double glass doors to the front entrance of the build towered above all, as the reflective surface reflected back like a cesspool or two hollow eyes from a great beast." < It’s a pretty bad example but hopefully you can catch the drift.
Secondly, try to minimize the "I did this. And then I did this. And then I did this." Try to combine some of your sentences to make it flow a little more smoothly for the reader. It irks me to no end when I read an author who lists out things like this in 3 to 4 sentences when you can do it in one.
Thirdly, try to cut down on the "was". This is probably just my personal opinion but try mixing your sentences around that does away with the "was". An example I can give you is first para, "I was standing" try rewording and combining two sentences together, "Standing outside the cesspool doors while enjoying my last cigarette, I crumpled the empty cigarette package and discarded it into the trash bin beside me without so much of a care." < Then again, probably not the best choice I can come up with at the moment but as I previously stated, take it with a grain of salt. ^-^
Fourthly, spell check. Probably a nick picky once again but it always does well when you try to revise your own work. I am a horrible at both spelling and grammar, so what I do is that after I do my first write I go back and do spelling/grammar. This forces me into taking the time and editing it myself.
Oh and before I end, try reading everything out loud to yourself. A sentence/dialog might sound good and all inside your head but when you read it out loud to yourself; you quickly catch on if it is right or not.